Thursday, April 28, 2011

Silent but Deadly =/

     Talk about hilarious.  Last monday, April 25th, a man was admitted to St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Ann Arbor with a putrid spout of toxic flatulence.  The man, whose name has not been released for obvious potential embarassment issues, had apparently thought it was a good idea to eat some rat poison.  Thus, resulting in poisonous gas emitting from the isolated patients fusty bunghole. omfg. Really?  Whats the deal, man?  There's got to be a good reason to eat that shit.  Better be a good reason, that mans poor asshole is going to chemically peel itself into eighths. Thats about the time you sell your body to the local dumpster divers for a couple pills of Seroquel and sleep for eighteen days.  Hopefully by then the smoldering of the rectum has been embogged. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Life Without

      So turns out I'm obnoxiously obsessed and intensely addicted to the boob tube.  It's an embarrassing pleasure of mine that reels me into euphoria every night.  I'm so turned on by daytime talk shows and the hilarious wednesday night of comedy on Ah Beh Ceh. I'm wondering if a call to the balding beauty Dr. Phil would do me any help.   But in recent events and unfortunate mishaps, I lost all control of my precious.  DISH Network, the bungholes they are, decided to be total bleeotches to my parents, and ol' pops wasn't havin' that.  I can still here Dad dropkicking the reciever through the outlett mall where the unlucky DISH Service Members awaited a witness of total embarrassment.  All on my part, might I add.  I was thankful though because we had a backup plan, Comcast was already hooking up the boxes at the house.  I was gonna be ok, one day of missing the soaps and losing out on hearing what Whoopie thought about Donald Trumps dumbass mouth, and hair piece.  We were to have the On Demand portion of the package deal, which turns out that the bastards up at Comcast had totally lied to my eardrum and said "oh sure you'll get errrythang on demand."  Bull effing poo.  I get NBC, CBS, and Logo.  Thats about it.  Dont get me wong, I love the gays all over NBC and Logo too, but CBS?  Really?  Thats the best you can do Comcast?  Effing CBS?  My DVR is gone, my Favs Channel Guide List is vamooshed, and I'm stuck with watching endless episodes of RuPauls Drag Race.  I'm so over stupid cable providers.  Gimme "The View" or gimme death.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Who's got gas?

So gas prices suck butt.  I barely make do with the job I have right now.  $8.50 an hour, 20 hours a week.  It's not enough.  And now with effing oil prices up my freeking gas stations are charging an arm and a leg for me to fill 'er up.  $4 a gallon is absolutely ridiculous.  I spend at least sixty bucks a week in gas, and I don't go anywhere.  I drive back and forth to work, and back and forth to school.  It's really cutting in to Jakey's happy time.  I haven't been able to afford anything, no movies, no new xbox games, no tequila.  It's awful.  And now I have to get an oil change and replace my brakes.  I'm over auto-mechanics and transportation.  Give me a goddamn pack mule and let me have the road.  I'm ready for the return of the Pony Express.